How do I say this?
Aug. 8th, 2002 03:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gangrel_priMy post before this one originally said something much different, before I went back and edited it. I'm still not going to ever let it see the light of day. Let it die silently.
Damn it, everything I type comes out shitty tonight. I used to be an activist, and then I met the AIDS Quilt, and all the activist bones in my body dies a silent death. (I sense a repeated metaphore here. silence=death. Maybe my activism isn't quite as dead as I'd like it to be. *gets out .45 mm shotgun and shoots "Activist James Action Figure" in the head*) Anyway, as I was saying, being confronted with death on any scale makes me examine myself. I'd generalize, and say this happens to everyone, but this is MY journal, and I can only speak for myself. Being confronted with all the testaments of love for people I had never met before...I think I cried for 48 straight hours after the display. And I was only looking at a small segment of the full thing. I don't think I have the strength to look at the full thing when the assemble it.
But anyway, that was the death of my activism. I didn't have it in me to constantly go out and try to change people's minds by screaming about getting my human rights back. I know how bad that sounds, but I came to the conclusion that the best I could do was be an example for those I was close to, to show them that I could be something other than "just another faggot". I suppose in its own watered down way, that's a form of activism in and of itself. But a lot of it was a realization that I couldn't make things change instantaneously. I'd prefer to be like water, eroding hate slowly and over time. It's really hard to hate a person, while it's really easy to hate an idea. Yeah, visibility is one thing, and in a lot of ways, particularly in college, I was one of the first gay peeps people had ever met. (No offense to WSU, but it did attract a lot of people from towns smaller than mine, and mine was pretty damn small.) And I think I've been sucessful in my quest. I've made friends with people who used to use "faggot", "queer", "dyke", and "gay" as insults hurled at one another's masculinity or femininity. I can't help out with racism as much, since I'm too damn WASPy, but there again, I do what I can. And what really sucks is when I find some long hidden bit of homophobia or -ism hiding in the back of my psyche. Because then I get to feel like a hypocrite. It doesn't help that my Uncle Paul could be Archie Bunker. Or that I occasionally feel like I'm overcompensating for my own issues.
There was a time when I was so stressed that most of my friends thought I was going to kill off my high school if I lost my toothbrush. That was the year I had Chevy Hoover yelling "queer!" at me every time I walked past him. And now, I just ignore it. Being a gay man is part of who I am, but it is NOT everything that I am. Just as my religion is another part, but again, it is not how I define myself. Yes, they are another set of filters that information passes through, but they are not who I am, or how I want people to define me. I'd rather have people think of me as a mensche than a gay mensche or a jbc/pagan/whatever mensche. (Actually, what I'd really like is every gay man mourning my loss at a funeral for not getting a crack at me, but that can wait for another fantasy post.)
I am who I am. I can't change some things about myself, but by the same token, I learn something new and therefore change and grow a bit each day. It's weird but true, I am not the same person from one minute to another. I just hope that with each new me, I'm better than the last one.
And I'm really sorry to take up everyone's friends pages with this semi-rant, but I really wanted to express some of the things I'm feeling in a way that people can hopefully relate to.
Shalom, blessed be, Amen.
Damn it, everything I type comes out shitty tonight. I used to be an activist, and then I met the AIDS Quilt, and all the activist bones in my body dies a silent death. (I sense a repeated metaphore here. silence=death. Maybe my activism isn't quite as dead as I'd like it to be. *gets out .45 mm shotgun and shoots "Activist James Action Figure" in the head*) Anyway, as I was saying, being confronted with death on any scale makes me examine myself. I'd generalize, and say this happens to everyone, but this is MY journal, and I can only speak for myself. Being confronted with all the testaments of love for people I had never met before...I think I cried for 48 straight hours after the display. And I was only looking at a small segment of the full thing. I don't think I have the strength to look at the full thing when the assemble it.
But anyway, that was the death of my activism. I didn't have it in me to constantly go out and try to change people's minds by screaming about getting my human rights back. I know how bad that sounds, but I came to the conclusion that the best I could do was be an example for those I was close to, to show them that I could be something other than "just another faggot". I suppose in its own watered down way, that's a form of activism in and of itself. But a lot of it was a realization that I couldn't make things change instantaneously. I'd prefer to be like water, eroding hate slowly and over time. It's really hard to hate a person, while it's really easy to hate an idea. Yeah, visibility is one thing, and in a lot of ways, particularly in college, I was one of the first gay peeps people had ever met. (No offense to WSU, but it did attract a lot of people from towns smaller than mine, and mine was pretty damn small.) And I think I've been sucessful in my quest. I've made friends with people who used to use "faggot", "queer", "dyke", and "gay" as insults hurled at one another's masculinity or femininity. I can't help out with racism as much, since I'm too damn WASPy, but there again, I do what I can. And what really sucks is when I find some long hidden bit of homophobia or -ism hiding in the back of my psyche. Because then I get to feel like a hypocrite. It doesn't help that my Uncle Paul could be Archie Bunker. Or that I occasionally feel like I'm overcompensating for my own issues.
There was a time when I was so stressed that most of my friends thought I was going to kill off my high school if I lost my toothbrush. That was the year I had Chevy Hoover yelling "queer!" at me every time I walked past him. And now, I just ignore it. Being a gay man is part of who I am, but it is NOT everything that I am. Just as my religion is another part, but again, it is not how I define myself. Yes, they are another set of filters that information passes through, but they are not who I am, or how I want people to define me. I'd rather have people think of me as a mensche than a gay mensche or a jbc/pagan/whatever mensche. (Actually, what I'd really like is every gay man mourning my loss at a funeral for not getting a crack at me, but that can wait for another fantasy post.)
I am who I am. I can't change some things about myself, but by the same token, I learn something new and therefore change and grow a bit each day. It's weird but true, I am not the same person from one minute to another. I just hope that with each new me, I'm better than the last one.
And I'm really sorry to take up everyone's friends pages with this semi-rant, but I really wanted to express some of the things I'm feeling in a way that people can hopefully relate to.
Shalom, blessed be, Amen.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-08 07:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2002-08-08 07:25 am (UTC)That crazy fat Irish broad...
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Date: 2002-08-08 08:17 am (UTC)I don't understand how viewing the AIDS Quilt encouraged you /not/ to be an activist. I'd really like to hear more about that, I suppose, because I just can't wrap my mind around it. The AIDS Quilt is a big piece of activism, and every single person who made a panel, and really, every single person whose life inspired a panel are activists.
The mainstream queer movement was enhanced in a lot of ways by the AIDS epidemic, because it brought people out and had them demanding their rights to health care, to treatment, to respect. Unfortunately, it wasn't until HIV and AIDS hit the heterosexual population in larger numbers that the government really started doing anything about it.
I think wanting to be a good model /is/ activism, and it is applaudable. Being a good person /is/ important. However, being a good person who is also openly queer shows people who may have snap-judgments of queer people that their prejudices aren't necessarily true.
Case in point: I just went to a job interview at a homeless shelter. I was concerned, because the organization is Christian-based, that I might be looked upon unfavorably (because I'm pretty obviously queer). Instead, I had the interviewer tell me that she had been hoping that I would be the sort of person who could address the needs of all of the GLBT people that were in the shelter, that maybe I'd come up with a way to get a group together, that people had needs that were not being met. That's something.
But I also want my equal rights. I will still write letters, and offer testimony, and make phone calls, and march, and get in my representatives faces, because I /am/ a good person, and I /am/ a queer person, and I have rights.
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