gangrel_pri: (batman)
Yes, I know Jacko died today. Yes I'm aware Farrah Faucett died today.

Please stop texting me about it. My love of Jacko began and ended with Thriller, which my brother called me a fag for owning.

My love of Farrah had to do with her hair and her boobs. I think I'll actually miss her more.

I apologize if this post seems flippant o unsympathetic, but dammit, I have other things on my mind that hit closer to home.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Was in a chat room, since Dragon Warrior 4 is driving me nuts, and I'm lacking in desire to log into EQ atm.

Met a Gay disabled Vietnam vet from Nelsonville. OMG, he was cracking me up. I think he gets the title of the most grizzled old man I have ever run across.

Work is still bad, but the owner of my franchise seems to like me. Big Papa himself is flying into Columbus later today to inspect our store, so the franchise higher ups came by to do a dry run inspection. First of all, our owner looks like Christopher Walken. It's disturbing. Second, he sat there boring holes into my back with his eyes, while I demonstarted that yes, I know what the hell I am doing. I'm off tonite, which means I get to miss meeting Big Papa, which is probably good, since I probably wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. (How much did you settle that lawsuit for? You know, the case involving your underage female companion?)

Ugh...My whole goal for today is to go to the library, since I've finished re-reading most of my persoanl stash of books. I keep putting it off because I have a few reserve itms that should be arriving very soon. Thwn I need to finish the bathroom, and probably do laundry.

What I want to do is go see LXG, it just I'd rather see a cheap matinee than pay full price at the blood sucking movie theatre close to my house.


Jan. 20th, 2003 06:37 am
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Got bored of playing Vremis, so I spent plat and twinked out my Dorf, Grouchbeard.

Currently enjoying the melodic strains of Concrete Blonde, which is doing wonders for my mood.

Rereading The Mage Winds Trilogy by Mercedes Lackey. If nothing else, it keeps me involved.

Still haven't really talked to anyone in real life. I owe a lot of replies to a lot of people, but I've been so busy at work that I haven't really done much of interest. I had another bitch session with Jason at work tonight. When I become a full fleged Shift Manager, my first goal is to use my new authority to fire his ass.

Gah, I should go to bed now.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Ok, I watched the remake of House on Haunted Hill tonight. It, The Haunting, Thirteen Ghosts, and probably Ghost Ship, all are horrid remakes of classic films. (Ok, so the originals of HOHH and 13 Ghosts weren't THAT great. But they were a hell of a lot better than the current remakes. And they had the advantage of being "gimmick" movies.) Then, for the hell of it, let's consider Gus Van Sant's Shot by shot recreation of Psycho. Why remake a classic? Wouldn't it be easier to just clean up an old print, dust off the gimmick, and re-release it?
I mean, the originals were effective even without the gimmicks. And especially without the elaborate sets and CGI that are de riguere in any of today's horror films. And special tomatoes to The Haunting for ignoring not only the original movie, but the book as well. I mean, hell, even Jason X ended up using the damn fake looking CGI effects. Rent the original Friday the 13th, or for that matter any of the original slasher flicks, and compare them with recent sequals. All of the originals were low budget, but effective without any of today's technology. Most of today's aren't even attempting to be scary or shocking. More like "Look at our set! We spent $2 million on it and $10 on the script!"
Not that any of my bitching matters. The new versions make money, even if they are crap. I remember a few years back when Fangoria started making movies saying they were for the fans. Of the 2 I saw, Mindwarp was mildly watchable (only because of the cast) and I, Zombie could have refered to the acting. The only amusing scene in that one was the guy's penis rotting off when he tried to have a zombiegasm.
I just wish someone would remember that something can be scary without CGI monsters that get more screentime than the heroes.
gangrel_pri: (duo)
She never saw it coming.

Sorry, watched Enemy at the Gates tonight, and there's a scene involving Jude Law and Rachel Weiss where they can't make noise or move that much while in flagrante delecto due to people sleeping a few feet away on either side of them.

Good movie though.

Talked to mom tonight...I guess she's off her feet until November. Ripped tendon and sciatic(?) nerve issues.

Haven't been sleeping well...3 consecutive night of dreaming of Mike. While this is normally not a bad thing, it does serve as a reminder that it's been a long time since I've actually dated someone I care about. Thus emphasizing why I hate waking up on cold mornings to an empty bed.

Thanks to [ profile] kylewallace...quiz result )
Wow, I'm whining! Woo-hoo! My apologies. Just kind of moody this evening.


Sep. 21st, 2002 01:24 am
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Ok, well, the way the week is going, I'm going to be in OT by Sunday night. Matt, our other closer, is still hospitalized.

In the meantime, I got schedualed into OT next week. w00t! *chuckles* Someone buy the coffin now, I'll be taking up residence by next Sunday.

Been reflecting on the past year today, but that can wait.

I hate OSU students. I hate training them every year to be home when their pizza arrives. I hate BuckID.

I'm hoping everyone is ok tonite. My Wonder Woman outfit is at the cleaners.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Ok, I went to bed, and now I'm awake again. I think the last mosquito of summer decided to bite my leg a few time.
I'm feeling really stupid, because I knew there was a fast associated with Yom Kippur, but I didn't realize it was supposed to start at sundown yesterday. So much for observing the tradition. Particularly since the only mistake pizza we had at work was ham and bacon. At the risk of being flippant, if you're going to break the law, you might as well go whole hog. I suppose it's too late to start now, but I do actually have Tuesday off, so I might actually be able to go to Temple for afternoon services.

*sighs* I'm stilll reading the stupid book I keep bitching about. It's only 300 pages, I should be done with it by now. Problem being I keep having to take notes, as well as fight the urge to throw the damn thing out a window. Particularly since the latest chapter is complaining about clergy having to get counseling licenses in order to offer Pastoral counseling. Does anyone else NOT have a problem with that? It makes sense to me, but then I fit into the category of "Abomination". Grr. It's getting on my nerves, but I'm bound and determined to get through it.


Sep. 15th, 2002 02:33 am
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Before I forget, [ profile] macabrebytch added me recently. Welcome back my friend to the show that never ends, I'm so glad you could attend, come inside come inside.

Yeah, I'm tired. But I'm home alone, and I'm surprised the vice squad didn't hit work tonight, since the entire crew was passing a joint around, and most of us brought beer. It's just sad that pizza creates addicts so easily.

Still taking notes, and the funny realization crept in today that the woman doesn't cite sources for her opinion. Now I know why she was writing fiction. When I get around to writing my reaction, I'm debating on using half-assed MLA format just so I can be one up on the woman. Or it might be a man. There's no biography in the back. Just contact info for the Moody Bible Corp. I'm still trying to figure out the claim that G-d smote every civilization that had gay people in it. Huh? Rome fell long after Xtianity became the State religion.

Anyway, I'm going to bed to sleep off the effects of vice.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
As I have mentioned before, I'm typing up old entries from my various notebooks elsewhere. What I'm noticing is that there is no sense of chronology in them, particularly since I never bothered dating a few of the more interesting essays.
What's really bugging me though is all the letters to various ex-boyfriends I have written out inside them. All kinds of piss and vinegar there. And the sad part is that I don't miss any of th ex's in question. For the most part, we've gone our separate ways.

Now, as to the book I was bitching about earlier this week, I'm taking notes. I'm also cross-referencing it with a few religious texts. There is going to be a reckoning, and I'm probably going to get a few people mad when I tell them how wrong they are in their suppositions. Heh. I always wanted to say that.

Now, I must slay the laundrobeast, with its firey breath and stench of death.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Well, two of the roomies are in Buffalo for the weekend and the other one is moving.

I'm closing every night until Monday.

*screams very loudly, doing his best Medea imitation*

I have a really bad story idea. Pray I don't write it.

And have I mentioned that I hate Coast to Coast? Everyone here listens to it, but as near as I can tell, it utilizes the worst aspects of the Trekkies and Miss Cleo types of the world to annoy me.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Ok, woke up this morning after dreaming my 67 year old mom was preggers.

Lazed about the house, trying not to get pissed off at the book I'm reading. I'm against burning books on general principle, but this one is looking like kindling. I'm debating whether I prefer stright out hatred and brimstone or the quiet "I'll pray that you find your way back to heterosexuality". Either way, it's annoying because the person concerned is basically condemning you out of the conviction that you are totally wrong. And now that I'm reading The Lambda Conspiracy by Spencer Hughes, I'm even more irate that people buy this shit. Yeah, I'm reading it by my choice, but I really don't think it's telling its readers the truth. I mean, a good majority of the shit it accuses homosexuals of is along the lines of what Hitler said about the European Jewry in Mein Kampf. Oh yes, this book says, all gays are rich and influential in goivernment, and trying to gain special rights that go against the morality of 90% of America! Oh, and we're supporting the quest for the cure for AIDS because we want outr old 70's era lifestyle back of fucking anything that moves. Grr. And feminism is evil because it leads to single women and lesbianism. *gasp* Then it goes on about how homosexuals are not a repressed minority. After I finish the damn thing, expect an essay in this space systematically destroying the theses in the book.
Wow, I didn't mean to go off like that, but it is annoying.
So, I went to LARP tonight. We actually had 10 people show up! Kind of fun, other than the 20 minute discussion between the prince and a Ventrue about finaces I had to sit through. After game, we ended up playing ultimate frisbee, where I proved myself to be an adept reciever, as well as a decent QB.
Anyway, I should get off here soon and go accomplish dinner.
gangrel_pri: (Frank the evil bunny)
LJ just ate what I had typed out dammit.
morbid dwelling on 9-11-01 )
Fuck. I said I wasn't going to get like this tonight. The original thought was something along the lines of the farther away the event, the less real it seems. Or the less meaning it has for the observer. My father died nearly 20 years ago. December 2nd used to be this big day of mourning for me. Now, half the time, I forget the signifigance altogether. 5-17-97 was the last time I saw a man I sometimes think of as the closest thing I have to a soulmate. The only reason I remember the date is an old fading journal entry I made the next day. All things fade over time. I think it's quite possibly the only reason we remain sane rational beings.

Great, I guess it's my week to be the ray of darkness.

Hugs to all my homies. May joy and peace find you.

gangrel_pri: (Default)
I just posted a review of Joining the Tribe by Linnea Due to [ profile] glbt_books, but I couldn't post there why it is the book got me so riled up. You see, I too was coming out in the period when the book was written. I came out in high school. But unlike the people in the book, I didn't have internet connections, or support groups, or much of anything. All I had was a boyfriend who I loved, and friends who kept stabbing me in the back. I remember going to the County library, and finding three books concerning homosexuality, and all three of them were anti-faggot. I tried the high school library, but it didn't have anything. Hell, I did every report I could on AIDS, or gay rights, or anything I could find that was tangently related to being gay in America just to have the reassurance that there were other gay people out there. And I also donated much of the material I had bought to the High School library for them to use in their vertical file. I wanted so badly for anyone who came after me to be able to find that someone had gone before and had survived the process. I mean, I understand the isolation the kids express in the book quite well. I was there. But other than Mike, I had no one I could really trust in my immediate aquantences with anything that was important to me. Hell, the only reason I managed to get my shit together in the first place was a random camp encounter in 1991, where one of my counsellors was a lesbian. She actually ran a program on being gay. And it was then I finally got my shit together long enough to begin coming out. I owe Dakota Walker a lot for that.
Kind of funny. These days I have no qualms about picking up GLB lit or magazines, as long as they aren't pornographic.(I still have my isses with that. The way I figure, if I want porn, I have an internet connection.) I remember a time when it took all my courage, three trips to a store, and finally getting it in the middle of the night just to buy a copy of Out magazine.
And I get to college, and most of the people in Lambda have either been out quite successfully for a long time, or have just started coming out. And none of them could understand why I felt like I had been fighting for so long at 18.
And now, I look and see that one teacher has come out at Urbana. Yeah, I hear she went through hell, but where was she when I was being harrassed? Two is stronger than one. Yeah, the class four years behind me had a few same-sex couples, who have no fear of expressing it. Mike and I could never do that. Now, finally, my hometown is slowly acknowledging that it does indeed have gay people, and is actually taking steps to support them. But that wasn't there for me, or for Mike.
And I know that this is a good thing. Someday soon, no one will have to endure the hell of small-town fag-bashing, just as I actually had the power to come out in High School, instead of waiting until college, or until after being married and having kids. But it still hurts. And I find myself hoping that no one ever has to go through that again. And yet, I still see ignorence among people, I hear people screaming about fags going to hell. And I know that we still have so far to go.
And I'm sorry to take up bandwidth with what amounts to a "no one feels my pain" rant, but it's been building up for a while.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
I got motivated and wrote this. I'm fairly sure what I wrote was accurate, if it's not, let me know. It's been a while since I last taught AIDS awareness.

In response to Shannon Millhuff's Letter on August 8, 2002.
The first question I have is wondering what AIDS drugs have to do with the article to which she was responding.
Second, some forms of cancer are now treatable, and can be knocked into remission.
Third, where did she get her statistics of "90% of which is caused by a perverted lifestyle. The other 10% affects women and children who were forced into a situation over which they had no control"? Last I saw, AIDS was growing the fastest among heterosexuals, particularly young heterosexuals and minorities. So, I can only infer she is calling heterosexual men a "perverted lifestyle".
Fourth, some cancers are more prevelant among the HIV+ population, So even AIDS medication research is going to go towards cancer research by definition.

I decided not to end this with "Ignorence is no excuse for stupidity."

Past that, Othello was wonderful, as was dinner with mom at Schmidt's Sausage Haus. Nothing like a Bahama Burger and a cream puff. I can be sick later.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
I may yet disprove my last post on being a quiet activist, particularly after reading the snide letter in today's Dispatch claiming that 90% of PWA'a are perverts.

I'm officially Pissed Off.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
My post before this one originally said something much different, before I went back and edited it. I'm still not going to ever let it see the light of day. Let it die silently.

Damn it, everything I type comes out shitty tonight. I used to be an activist, and then I met the AIDS Quilt, and all the activist bones in my body dies a silent death. (I sense a repeated metaphore here. silence=death. Maybe my activism isn't quite as dead as I'd like it to be. *gets out .45 mm shotgun and shoots "Activist James Action Figure" in the head*) Anyway, as I was saying, being confronted with death on any scale makes me examine myself. I'd generalize, and say this happens to everyone, but this is MY journal, and I can only speak for myself. Being confronted with all the testaments of love for people I had never met before...I think I cried for 48 straight hours after the display. And I was only looking at a small segment of the full thing. I don't think I have the strength to look at the full thing when the assemble it.
But anyway, that was the death of my activism. I didn't have it in me to constantly go out and try to change people's minds by screaming about getting my human rights back. I know how bad that sounds, but I came to the conclusion that the best I could do was be an example for those I was close to, to show them that I could be something other than "just another faggot". I suppose in its own watered down way, that's a form of activism in and of itself. But a lot of it was a realization that I couldn't make things change instantaneously. I'd prefer to be like water, eroding hate slowly and over time. It's really hard to hate a person, while it's really easy to hate an idea. Yeah, visibility is one thing, and in a lot of ways, particularly in college, I was one of the first gay peeps people had ever met. (No offense to WSU, but it did attract a lot of people from towns smaller than mine, and mine was pretty damn small.) And I think I've been sucessful in my quest. I've made friends with people who used to use "faggot", "queer", "dyke", and "gay" as insults hurled at one another's masculinity or femininity. I can't help out with racism as much, since I'm too damn WASPy, but there again, I do what I can. And what really sucks is when I find some long hidden bit of homophobia or -ism hiding in the back of my psyche. Because then I get to feel like a hypocrite. It doesn't help that my Uncle Paul could be Archie Bunker. Or that I occasionally feel like I'm overcompensating for my own issues.
There was a time when I was so stressed that most of my friends thought I was going to kill off my high school if I lost my toothbrush. That was the year I had Chevy Hoover yelling "queer!" at me every time I walked past him. And now, I just ignore it. Being a gay man is part of who I am, but it is NOT everything that I am. Just as my religion is another part, but again, it is not how I define myself. Yes, they are another set of filters that information passes through, but they are not who I am, or how I want people to define me. I'd rather have people think of me as a mensche than a gay mensche or a jbc/pagan/whatever mensche. (Actually, what I'd really like is every gay man mourning my loss at a funeral for not getting a crack at me, but that can wait for another fantasy post.)
I am who I am. I can't change some things about myself, but by the same token, I learn something new and therefore change and grow a bit each day. It's weird but true, I am not the same person from one minute to another. I just hope that with each new me, I'm better than the last one.
And I'm really sorry to take up everyone's friends pages with this semi-rant, but I really wanted to express some of the things I'm feeling in a way that people can hopefully relate to.
Shalom, blessed be, Amen.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Ok, I swear, I missed 8 hours of DRAMA on here while engaging in Adrenaline.

First of all, am I political at all on here? Last I checked, other than mentioning Kate Mulgrew is a Gubenatorial candidate's wife (and making a few comments about her prowess with the Borg helping with dealing with State Congress), I have never posted much that creates controversy. Ya know, if you want to post political stuff, it is your journal to do so in. I may not agree with everything that I read on my friend page, but I still read it, regardless. As my father used to say, "If you can argue with the editorials, you know you're alive." I will, as is my perogative, stick to posting the bitching, whining, and moaning that I got a code to post here, as well as lamenting about my lack of anything resembling a sex life. Can't we all just get along?

Second, While we're on the subject, why is something that's so right so wrong at the same time? Why is it that my ex and I can be friends, but still have remanat sparks come flying up at odd times?

Third, since Papa John's decided I didn't need to come in again tonight (thank G-d I'm closing most of the rest of the week), I ended up making a random road trip with Chris tonight. Where to, you might ask? None other than Cedar Point for a fun night (after 5, the price drops) of coasters galore. Since his bf doesn't like coasters, we were free to ride in the back of every coaster we rode. And I got the added bonus of knowing how much weight I have lost based on being able to get in all the damn harnesses without assistance!!! We ended up riding The Raptor first, since it was right inside the gate. Last time I rode it, Herb the evil bastard had us right up front. After that, we had overpriced (but undercharged) hamburgers and fries, and then went to stand in line for 2 hours to get on Millenium Force! (Sorry, it and Wicked Twister are the only two I had left to ride at CP, and Wicked Twister was non-operational.) Force was well worth the wait to get on. 90 MPH, and it honestly felt like the starting hill inverted as we decended. We got off laughing hysterically, and promptly hauled ass to get on the Magnum before the park closed. Not only did we get on, but we had ten minutes to get on the Mantis as well. (Mantis being one Chris had never ridden.) After all the coasters, we stopped and got Funnel Cakes!!!! I finally got my sweet fried dough. On the way back, (CP needs a major highway, 71 to 250 was a pain in the arse) We entertained ourselves by talking about sex and singing every musical that we both knew. It was kind of cool to enjoy that again. Even without the entire relationship, it's stilll nice to know that we can enjoy the intimacy of friendship.

So in closing, I wish you all could get along better. But it is your lives and your journals. And I'll keep my prying drama queen nose out of it.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Again, apologies to [ profile] taocub and [ profile] joshuapanther for missing IMs. for some reason, my away message cut out. And I was at work for a loooong time.

Ok, here's the story of my day. I went to bed around 4 last night, pissed off as all hell at certain roomies who like to play angst metal at loud volumes when I'm trying to sleep. (Staind being the band that pisses me off the most. Someone should shoot Aaron and put him out of my misery.) I mean, if he wants to listen to that crap, he has a radio, and most of it is one one of the local stations all the time anyway...

So I get up around 8 so I can hit 10:30 Shabbat morning service at Temple Israel. Said asshole roomie is napping on the freaking couch again. Mind you, I nap on the couch on rare occasions, but I don't plant my ass there every moment I'm not at work or on a computer. Then again, I also don't solicite wanna-be hookers on AIM, so that their fathers IM me in the middle of the night with bad words. But then again, I usually don't leave Trillian up unless I set an away message.

Well anyway, I get to Temple about 40 minutes early, and no one was there yet. So, I sit around re-reading this cheesy Vampire novel set in Jerusalem circa 1193 CE that I was returning to the library after services. Well, again, I was greeted warmly and by name by people who's names I can never remember. (I am horrible with names. I have been known to call people things for no reason whatsoever.) The bright side of Temple was I actally am getting the hang of the Hebrew phonetics and therefore didn't have much trouble getting through some of the service. The dark side was that when I did get confused was when the Ark was opened. The prayer book has no phonetics in it for that portion. Therefore, I just hummed along like I knew what I was doing. After service, we had the kiddush(? There's kiddush and kaddush, and I get them confused) with the bread and wine, which was kind of fun, since I got to talk with my man Scott again. Rabbi also told a really horrid pun right before we pulled the bread. ("What do you get when you squeeze a temple? Jews.") We were also reminded that Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are coming up. (This was mentioned mainly because we're hitting the end of Deuteronomy.) BTW, anyone who wants to is more than welcome to come here for the holidays. G-d knows I could use the help getting through them. My list of atonements I need to make with people is getting huge.
So, I catch the bus back, and hit the library. Irony, since I got the next book in the on-going saga of the Rapture cycle. If I may say a few words here, the books are campy. I can't believe people take them so seriously. Particularly when it strikes me that the authors are making money fleecing the suckers into reading them. I keep forgetting that most ppeople who read the series should go "bahh" and wear lots of wool. But there again, I'm reading it. But I'm not buying the books. Besides, if you skip the preaching, they make quick, if trite, reads. I also got some book recommended via comments over in [ profile] thereadingroom called The Public Works Trilogy by Matt Hess. I guess one of the characters is a hologram of Ayn Rand.
So, I came home and passed out before work. For some reason, we were dead until 11:00PM tonight. Pissed me off, since I had everything cleaned when the phones exploded. But I did get some good gossip from CPD about the guy who shot his wife, kidnapped his kids, and then got in a shoot-out with the State Highway Patrol 3 counties away from where it all started. Seems the guy (fired from CPD a few weeks ago, the wife he shot was a week into Academy training) was fired for shooting at a shoplifter. Well, instead of sdhooting at the driver of the getaway car, he shot at the passenger. I guess he also got suspended earlier in his career for arresting 3 suspects, putting 2 in the back, and sticking the 3rd in the truck of his cruiser. I also was told that the gentleman who owns Pure Platinum (one of our local strip clubs) house burned down a while back, and they found a local vagrant tied to a chair in his basement.
So anyway, I'm home now, and probably headed to bed.


Jul. 16th, 2002 01:54 am
gangrel_pri: (Default)
Spent most of my night botching my Eidelon roll, making for a fun night with my dark side. Nothing like having your brain tell you what a horrible uncaring person you are. And how all you're good for is sponging off other people.

This comes from [ profile] gothic_oreo, who showed me that the end times can be entertaining. Remind me to make him read Good Omens at some point.

Apocamon Now!

And a joke told to me by my mother over dinner.

A man joins the Army.
They give him a comb, and proceed to shave his head.
They give him a toothbrush, then remove his bad teeth.
They give him a jockstrap, and now they can't find him.

Anyway, I'm going to go sleep and hope that the current session of "Me and My Shadow" ends soon.
gangrel_pri: (Default)
There is a lot I want to say.

I wish I could stop falling in love with people who aren't in love with me. I fucking hate that. I hate that all it takes is the though of an old flame to drive me right back to them in some way. I hate that I'm having erotic dreams about someone I care very greatly for, but with whom things didn't work out due to issues beyond my control. (Herb, for the curious.)

I hate that my mother is getting pissy with me bacuse I have to be in a wedding on a day she wants to do something. I hate that she's mad I'm thinking of converting to Judaism. I hate realizing that she's as human as the rest of us, with her own predjudices.

I hate being alone. I hate that most of my friends are currently dating, living together, or married. I hate that I'm jealous of them and their happiness. I hate that the best off I had for a date recently was "We can go out for coffee, then go back to your place and you can spank me until my ass is blistered".

I hate that I can't get motivated to finish the damn pizza murder mystery. I hate that I can't seem to hold on to an idea longer than a few days anymore.

I hate my job. I hate answering phone calls from the ghetto featuring someone mispronouncing English at me. I hate sports camps ordering 90 pizzas at a time. I hate Steve making fun of me.

I hate my life. I hate not having the courage to end it somedays. And I hate feeling this way.

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